Question of the Day: Should She Leave? (Relationship 101 Series)

Posted on 26 July 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Photo Courtesy of: www.wikipedia.org

A True Story

Mrs. X is a 35 year old, six-month pregnant, married Christian young lady who lives in a D.C. suburb. She is well-educated and currently doing well on her job. One day she gets a strange feeling (you know the kind that women get)  and decides to go home several hours early. Upon arrival, there is an unusual car parked in front of her home.  However, the car looks somewhat familiar but she just can’t place who it belongs to, or why it would be in her yard at 2:00 p.m.  Her home is still secured so she decides to gain entry.  She hears strange sounds coming from her bedroom. She walks in to find her husband and her younger brother engaged in sexual activity in her bed.

Now that you have read the question, what would you say to this six-month pregnant  Christian married woman? Should she divorce her husband? Should she kill her brother? Should she seek pastoral counseling? Should she stay with him until the baby is born? Should the father have visitation rights after a break-up if he is gay?

Let me hear your comments. This scenario is a lot more common than you think.

If you are currently experiencing abuse, neglect, infidelity, and/or depression, please visit us: Dr. Owens, M.D. Pre-Screen Mental Health Assessment

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  • Crystal

    This is becoming all too common….HELL YEAH SHE SHOULD LEAVE HIM!!! and kick her brothers a$$. This is straight betrayal. First of all he should not have married her if he was gay…be what you are but don’t deceive someone else without giving them a choice in knowing the truth…believe it or not a gay/DL man is not necessarily a deal breaker for some women…..BE HONEST!!!. Yes he should still have visitation rights no matter what his sexual activities are..he is still the kids father. No do not seek pastoral counseling because the pastor is probably gay/DL as well and will try to convince her to keep the family together to save face. If it had been a girlfriend maybe they could get pass it, but her own brother…naw!! that cuts too deep!

    • admin

      @ Crystal. thank you for your comment. Do you think this situation is more common with ONLY men, or with women as well?

    • admin

      @Crystal. Your words are so true and I appreciate the passion with which you spoke. Many people don’t realize that the leading cause of death of African-American women between 18-44 is AIDs. Most of them were infected by bisexual and or gay men. This DL stuff has just got to stop! I agree and thanks for visiting the blog.

  • J.Man

    If you’re going to have sex with other men, by all means, DON’T get married. This is a social epidemic which is hurting our generation: the man who was always into men, but decided to get married to a woman because he wanted to be “normal”, or because the “gay thing” was a phase that would eventually subside. So…a few months down the road, once he’s gotten his wife pregnant, the urge re-surfaces, and now he’s prowling the streets for a man to have sex with. Sometimes the family’s disapproval of the lifestyle is to blame: if a man’s own family doesn’t love him for being himself, then he will never be comfortable with who he is. So, in a sense, his actions, or even his feelings are a reflection of how he THINKS he should be seen, NOT how he should see himself.

    • admin

      @ J.Man Thanks for the comment. So what do you think couples getting married should do before they tie the knot?

    • admin

      @J.Man Excellent Remarks. I hope that my readers agree and support this position.

  • K. Walker

    Could you elaborate on the outcome of this true story if there has been an ending?

    • admin

      @K.Walker. Not ready to reveal the ending just yet, but stay tuned. However, how do you think it ended-up.

  • Aero Engineer

    WOW! What an explosion of thought and emotions! She should seek counseling/advice from a professional. Then, after she’s had a chance to get her emotions and thoughts under control, talk with her brother and husband; separately, then together. Find out what is really happening, where she fits into her husband’s life, what plans they had/have. No matter what happens, her brother is HER BROTHER. He will always be there. However, her husband is definitely another matter. This may not have been his 1st encounter, nor his last. Was she a cover? Maybe she already suspected or knew, but…as many women believe…thought she could “change” him. Oh yes….she should have a discussion with both of them. Just not when her emotions are so raw, and she can think clearly. She must also determine what type of life SHE wants to lead, and if she wants to lead it with him. GREAT posting!!

    • admin

      @Aero Engineer, What would she accomplish in professional counseling? I believe that a lot of women know when their husbands are gay or suspect of bi-sexual behavior. What do you think?

  • NASHA

    No I feel I should leave because I am no longer what he desires. Why stay with someone who don’t want to be with you. Move on and find someone who wants you for you.

    • admin

      @Nasha, would you even attempt some discussion or just move-on? What about your brother? What becomes of that relationship?

  • Crystal

    @admin, this situation is more common with men, but not exclusive. Many woman have had a threesome and then hooked up w/ the female without her man. For some reason men are more tolerant of women hooking up with other women..in fact they (straight men) want to participate. If this was a man coming home finding his wife in bed with his sister I think it would be a different outcome, still hurtful but not as harsh. The fact that it was a family member just makes it more disgusting to me; there ar plenty of ppl to sleep with…family is a no-no.

  • Aero Engineer

    In professional counseling, she will obtain an unemotional viewpoint, be able to work through her emotions, get sound advise to determine a way forward. She should not look to a family member, girlfriend, co-worker, etc. for sound advice. Many of those avenue provide more drama. In today’s society, I think it is difficult to determine who is gay or bi-sexual, unless the individual is openly projecting that lifestyle. Most couples look to themselves as “lacking in bed” when their partner is not satisfied, and don’t even consider the position that their partner prefers something different. I had a cousin that married a man and did NOT know that he was gay. She discovered some material that he had hidden in various places in their home, and then confronted him. His family wanted them to stay together for “appearances”, but that did not happen. They divorced and both moved on.

    • admin

      @Aero Engineer Usually people seek counseling when there is a defect in them. Are you saying that the wife is defective in this case? I am not sure what tasks would be accomplished in therapy unless she had begun to experience some mood symptoms, i.e. depression. However, even then I would not recommend a focus being on that past relationship.

      • AeroEngineer

        Shock, betrayal, confusion and anger are powerful emotions. Counseling can also serve as a sounding board for your thoughts and emotions. I am not suggesting that something is wrong with the wife, only that she most likely will need someone to speak with to sort out her emotions and clear her head.

        • AskDrO

          @AeroEngineer Oh, now I get your drift. Do you think she should leave first? Or wait until she has resolved some issues in therapy?

  • Essdie

    SHOULD she leave?? Hell yes! Right after she finishes cutting off the offenders’ offenders!

    • admin

      @Essdie, where is the compassion? LOL

  • Arthur

    Clearly women. People make their own choices. But when you withhold information you deny your partner the opportunity to make an informed choice. I think this most husts women.

  • Essdie

    Dr.O, I have been responding to your articles for a while now. We have disagreed more than once, I would think you know by now that my compassion has strict limitations! :)

    • admin

      @Essdie I probably left myself open for that one. LOL However, you do keep me on my psychodynamic toes and that is much needed. Thanks. Do you have any topic suggestions for me? I want to keep the blog alive.

  • sweetgirl

    The saddest part of this question is that it is based on the truth. HOW could two humans be so cruel to another? Even moreso, how could a brother do this to his OWN sister?!! I find this topic utterly disgusting, but definitely necessary for consideration. In my opinion, she shouuld not leave. She should put the lowdown, dirty husband OUT and she should establish and maintain distance from her brother. Even if both men apologize, this kind of damage cannot be fully repaired. She needs to take care of her health through the duration of the pregnancy, have her baby, file for ALL of the child support she can get, and keep moving forward in her life. There really are a few straight, Christian, good men out there who are capable of honesty and committment.

    • admin

      @Sweetgirl! I Love it!

  • itamazesme

    I am joining a little late – Her husband has had the desires to be with men and there is no telling how long he has been dealing with men on the down low. Her brother more than likely is not his first encounter. For her mental stability, she should leave, have an aids test done for her health and for her baby’s health.. Distance herself from her brother, but eventually confront him and find out why he betrayed her. Not making an excuse for down low men, but society and people within their own family, looks so far down on homosexuality that they are having to try and supress their desires for men and basically they are forced to stay in the closet. Homosexuality is more tolerable, but truth be told, it is still not truly acceptable.

    My question is – Did she know her brother was gay? and if so, were there not any signs that could have been shown between her brother and her husband when they inter acted. Could she have seen some red flags and did like so many women do – ignore them?

    • [Blocked by CFC] admin

      @itamazesme. I am sure that there were warning signs but as per usual many women choose to ignore them. I am somewhat perplexed by the number of cases, with this particular issue, creeping up. Now , what I don’t quite know how to process is how should she handle her brother. Confronting him may be good, but it also could destroy what is left of that relationship. Any ideas?


About Dwight A. Owens, M.D.

As a practicing physician, Dr. Dwight A. Owens, has a respected voice in psychiatry that truly makes an impression. He keeps readers enthralled by refusing to shy away from controversial topics and pulling no punches. He also adds spice to the blog by commenting on the state of relationships at every stage, from the first encounter to the daily struggles in even the most satisfying marriages.

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